I was so in love with my partner last year. His calm personality, his passion for travelling and his immense respect to women swept ticked me off.
We broke up recently and I had to re-learn to love myself because I had become comfortable leaning on him, reflecting and sharing my happiness with him.
Most of us make a resolution on a new year and 2018 for me is the time to start loving myself: re-discover myself. And not just in the superficial sense of self-love, like exercising regularly and watching less TV. It was time to really, fully and wholly love myself–top to bottom, inside and out.
To love myself to the point of waking up every morning with a heart overflowing with gratitude for all I was blessed with in life. To love myself the way I hoped for someone else to one day love me. Fiercely, and unafraid to show it.
I was discussing relationships with my friend and why things had not worked out the way I thought it would. It was probably because I had trust issues and rather she asked me one question that left me speechless. In fact, you should you be asking yourself the same:
“Are you happy with who you are?”
Honestly, I didn’t like who I was or who I had been. I most certainly didn’t love myself. And it was in that moment I came to the crushing realization that it was all my fault.
It wasn’t for lack of trying. I wanted to love myself–desperately, even. But eventually, I realised that when you are making choices that defy what you know in your heart to be right, you never will know self-love. Towards the end, I had hit the lowest point in terms of my self-esteem, it was probably because of the series of events and the choices that I had made. Of course, I don’t regret them but it just didn’t reflect the person I want to be.
Sure, I did cry for my failed relationship that night, but in the end, I cried more for myself for stopping myself to become who I wanted to be.
I am still on the path to loving myself because self-love is a process, one that will never be truly complete. There will always be more I could improve, more I can learn, more kindness I can show to myself and others.
I fail. I get back up. I am perfectly imperfect. I am enough.
This blog is a link up with Zainab for #WhatILove