F for Friendship

Have you ever wondered what will happen if best friend stops talking to you ? And why do women find it so difficult to admit the pain of friendships lost?

Friends are a big issue for us as women. Our friends and family are often the center of our world. They consume a majority of our time and attention. And that’s a good thing. But often, we are more passive than purposeful in our relationships. People drift in and out of our lives. We don’t usually pause to consider why we pursue one friendship and neglect another. Our feelings (such as having an emotional connection) often guide our friendships more than God’s Word.

The myth of the BFF can be difficult to live up to. We often see female friendships portrayed in a highly romanticized and unrealistic manner; uncomplicated and lasting forever despite the differences of the women involved.
My best friend and I had been friends for 5 years, and then, one day, nothing. She stopped returning my calls; she ignored my messages. She had moved out from the city so I had no way of reaching her, no way to confront her. Months passed and I realized that my best friend had stopped being my best friend. Had, in fact, stopped being my friend altogether. And I didn’t know why.

One of the things that bothered me most was the silence; not only my former best friend’s silence towards me, but also the fact that I felt that I couldn’t speak of what had happened between us to anyone else. It felt almost too trivial to mention.

I haven’t spoken to my ex-best friend in almost three years. Late last year, after another night of chasing her around in my dreams, I unfriended her on Facebook. Having that link there had become a reminder of the failure between us, and of how painful the situation had become. And although part of me will always wonder where she is and how she is going, removing that link has helped me move on.

It seems that women are loath to confront one another when a relationship is failing, even if, or maybe, especially if, that relationship is with their best friend. And although I have experienced this myself, I’m still puzzled as to why it should happen. My former friend and I could talk about almost anything and for record amounts of time. As teenagers and young women we would spend whole days and nights talking. Why, then, were we so uncomfortable in airing our grievances with one another as adults? Where did the silence between us come from?

I have lived in 3 countries in past 7 years so I can say that my definition of friendship has changed but the value hasn’t and it won’t. Friends have fun together, even when they’re doing nothing special. They communicate without talking and seem close despite living miles apart.

I know a bunch of people since I was a kid. 17 years to that and I do not even talk to most of them. High school was difficult for me because I felt out of place but as I grew older, I realized it was just a phase and my love and respect for that set of friends is never going to change.

I have had crazy 9 years growing up with them, sharing the same dorms, same mess, laughing at your lecturers, bunking periods, running for the last desk,fighting for supper. You cannot just throw that away, So I strongly believe that when you’re having a terrible day, your true friends help you find the sun on a stormy day. They watch your back, preserve your innermost secrets, and lend you a shoulder when things go south — they even know when you need your space. After all these years, they know me better than I know myself and they know when I can, even when I think that I can’t.

We are social beings and having people in your life that know you well, and whom you know well, can help you relate better to everyone, and understand yourself better. But old friendships can also settle into comfortable patterns of interaction that don’t challenge you to grow.

I also think there is value to being open to new friends at anytime. Making new friends as a busy adult may feel burdensome. If through constant experience you become slightly different version of you, making new friends allows for your newest self to interact without antiquated person-version bias that happens with friends formed at a different time in your life; even last year.
While it’s good to make new friends and to keep old ones, we shouldn’t feel obligated to keep all of them. Yes, some friendships will organically disintegrate for myriad reasons. The more challenging question is whether to actively prune friendship those are active in your life.

If any of my high school friends are reading this, I know I have maintained a low profile throughout these years. But I just want all of you to know that I am proud of who you have become, for what you have achieved so far and have excelled as an individual. I cannot believe that it’s been 17 years since we all took a chance and glad it worked out for us.

I love you all.



0 thoughts on “F for Friendship

  1. I guess life comes in between, priorities changes and old friendships slowly die. But to lose a best friend without a word feels terrible. I would feel betrayed if that happened to me.

    1. Keeping in touch with everyone is just so impossible. Over the years, I have learnt that having close group of 5 is better than knowing 100 other people ! 🙂 Ahh we haven’t spoken after that and I do not intend to do too. I think I got over that phase ! Sigh.

  2. Sorry about the lost friendship.
    Personally, I think I have been ‘that’ friend to many. During my bad times, I felt bad that many chose to slink away instead of being there for me the way I used to be there for them. So when the tide turned, I made sure to slowly ‘ghost’ myself, not responding to their sudden interests in my life.

    I don’t know if I regret it… it was just a realization that I should never have placed too much value on fair weather friends, I guess.


  3. I know that friendships are moody in their own way. Some last only for some months and some for a lifetime; even after many breakups and makeovers. Nice write up on the topic

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